Awkward moment..

I realized that I want to be a father at some point, not today or just this moment. I knew and it really dawned on me about two years ago. I get along with children relatively easily and they seem to like me for the most part (I know many people say that and it can be cliché, but I think it is because of my maturity level. They must think I’m one of them.) I’m sure it’s different when they are your own children, but I’m sure that makes it better. Anyway what I’m trying to get to is sometimes when I’m out of the house and in public places, restaurants, stores, what have you, I tend to zone out or daydream and just be in my head basically.

I tend to absorb my surroundings and think about what I see (this also leads to a bad habit of starting me on talking about odd facts depending on what I see, then I start to ramble to whoever is unfortunate enough to be with me about the process of making cheese and of odd forms of cheeses from other countries for no apparent reason. Topics vary.) I have common thoughts that cross my mind often when I’m like this. What would I do if a gunman showed up, with what ever variables I can think of and how I can change the plan to fit. What would my girlfriend say or think if she was there, if I’m in a store I think would she like this, would this make a good gift, what would she look like if she would wear that dress ( I try to avoid the lingerie as much as I can, I worry I may be a pervert.)

One thought I have in particular crosses my mind when I see kids, What kind of dad might I be? Depending on they’re age I think about it differently, the older the child is I think of how I can provide for them or how I might deal with them dating and I wonder if they will think I’m strange or if I will try to embarrass them in front of their friends. When I see younger kids I think about how fun kids can be and how I would want to carry them on my shoulders, I want to listen to them as they learn to speak and hug my kids all the time. When I see infants I worry a little to myself, they are so fragile and I don’t know all that they would need, I have never changed a diaper, I have fed a baby less times than I have actually held one which I can count on one hand and I am scared to death of doing the wrong thing.

Now that is all said here is the awkward part, while I think of these things I know I smile and sometimes I’m sure my emotions well up inside of me and it shows. The problem is I am watching these kids playing or just being kids and their parents look over and see me looking at their children and I look emotional or maybe I’m smiling a bit too much. I look away and then lock eyes with the parent, a moment passes and then they scowl or keep an eye on me. Then it clicks in my head, Oh god! She thinks I’m a pedophile! Then I’m afraid to look at anyone or anything and I am so incredibly embarrassed. I feel as though I should say something or reassure them that I’m not a threat to their kids, but then I would seem insane and make matters worse. So I feel like an ass and want to leave as soon as possible. Am I the only person who seems to get into that horrible situation? Maybe I’m just weird..

Try not to hate me for this one..

So I do my best to be a good boyfriend and a good person in general, a lot of it is habit from the way I was raised (I’m not religious, but I was handed down moral guide-lines for my mother and my grand mother. I personally believe that you don’t need an afterlife or an omnipotent force to want to be a good person, and that I can do the right thing for the person I’m helping purely for them and not for a god or to be in It’s good graces. Not that a religious person is only doing good deeds for that reason, but the thought that some do turns my stomach a little). Part of my moral compass is that when you are in a relationship you don’t start another one at the same time, basically don’t cheat/sleep around/be a man-slut (mlut, slat, VD Despenser?). Now that said I know many men who “play the field” or don’t even try at relationships, for some I can see why and most of them make it obvious to whom ever they are hitting on that they feel that way. I know a few others who have met someone who made them settle down and be with only one person, which can turn out to be tricky when faced with temptation ( I’ve watched it happen, you’re at a party and you see that one friend of yours chatting with some girl and you recall their girlfriend. Then you see the chatty girl move in a little to close for it to be just friendly.)

When I was younger I thought I was just lucky to get one girl to like me, that and I tended to try to hard. So I never really even saw it as an option, but as I got older I had more success which is normal. Then I hit eight-teen and my hormones were at their peak, I had been in my first long-term relationship and I was happy and we really liked each other. Out of no where this evil voice in the back of my head start saying “Break up with her, it’s bound to end anyway and you could get with another girl.” I ignored it for a while till I was convinced I wasn’t happy with her anymore and broke up with her. The irony is after I did it I felt terrible, I would miss her and the voice would hiss reminding me that I was better off. Then I went to prom, I went stag along with my friend Nick and I wasn’t expecting anything except just screwing around and making an ass of myself on the dance floor. We met up with a bunch of our friends and even a few people we didn’t normally hang out with, we ended up having a great time and in the process I hit it off with a girl who went to the prom stag as well. Later on I asked her out and she said yes, we ended up dating for a few months. I would think about the girl I had broken up (especially since we worked together and I saw her often), I would tell my it worked out for the best and I even was able to maintain a friendship with her (though I could see it was tough for her to be around me, I’m terrible because I couldn’t get the courage to tell her I had a new girlfriend already and I was sure that would tear her up inside even more). Then things got little rocky with the girlfriend and around the same time my ex was starting to push to get closer to me again.

So if things weren’t bad enough, right after I graduated as a gift my parents let me take a trip to Las Vegas. In Vegas, a girl whom I had known for years and chatted with through MySpace, Facebook, and the occasional phone call lives there, it was awesome to hang out with her and my friends who were able to come with me. All throughout the trip she and her sister showed us around town and we all had a blast. When we had talked about me being in town before I came I knew she was in a relationship so I saw us as just friends, but right away she was holding my hand when we were walking down the street and she was very close. Then one of the nights everybody else had turned in for the night and it was just us, we started to kiss and she was on top of me. I should have stopped, but it felt good, it was fun, it made me feel wanted. Then her hand was in my pants, that was the first and only time I cheated. The next day it had sunk in and it had already started to chew away my insides. When we met up with her that day, she wouldn’t look at me and kept a space of a few feet at all times. I had already lost her as a friend, by the time we got home I felt like there was nothing left in my body for guilt to tear apart and the only thing holding me up was the skin on the outside. I let the relationship I was in fall apart and I never told her what happen till about a year ago. I ended up getting back together with the girl I had originally broken up with and we were happy together for about a year till she broke up with me ( over the fact that I dropped out of college mostly), I never told her about anything that happened. A part of me still feels sick and angry at myself for ever letting myself be like that, and whenever I find out someone cheated on someone else hate bubbles up to the surface and it almost makes me want to hit them. How can the live with that hollow feeling inside or worse why don’t they feel that when they hurt someone they are supposed to care about, half the time they talk about it like it’s nothing or something to be proud of! I still hate myself for the decision I made, even after being cheated on by the very person I did it to and nothing can justify it or make it go away. All I can do is be a better person than I was and never let hormones or anything get in the way of that.

This is honestly one of my biggest regrets, and it all happened in a matter of months. I hope that this short time off being something I hate doesn’t negate any of the good I have done. Having been through that experience helped me realize how to be a better person afterwards and I know with every fiber of my being that I will never hurt anyone like that again and do my best to keep them making the same mistake.

Oh and I’m sorry mom, if you read this! Sorry to everyone else too, this is a depressing post.

Just thoughts I’ve had today..

Most of the posts I’ve made recently have been somewhat personal and have been random, mostly because my life is pretty simple at the moment. My main concern throughout the week has been getting to the gym and losing weight, followed by reading and finishing the book within the next two days (I’m so close, I’m very excited about it for some reason).

Compared to how my life was before I excepted my parents’ offer to come down to mexico for six months, I was  living from paycheck to paycheck. Working my on hands and knees cleaning drains and scrubbing out stoves, to being the dishwasher and taking double shifts without question. Then I  messed up and started having trouble getting there on time in the mornings, a few minutes here and there. So then I was fired, “Great now what!” were my first thoughts. with help from my mother and some close friends I was putting out resumes and filling out applications. I actually had a call back for an interview, but I decided to work on myself so I can finally be able to join the army instead.

I am working hard, but it kind of feels like my life is on pause. I not stressed so much as I’m waiting for the next thing to happen in my life and while I’m waiting I think about all these things. About what I’ll do when I get back home, what I want to do when I get back, how different will life be when I’m at a socially acceptable weight, and where would a good place to go on a date with my girlfriend. Today I had a few thought that I felt like sharing for some reason.  Some are in the form of questions, I can’t explain why I ask myself these things when obviously I wouldn’t have an answer, but maybe sharing them will help with this.

1. Is gossip a harmful act through and through or can it be used for good? I was thinking of a friend of mine who told me about how a boy spread rumors about how on their date they ended up having sex, she swears up and down that it’s not true and I hope for her sake she isn’t lying. At this point the truth doesn’t matter anymore because the rumor spread and her friends helped in spreading it, so she can’t trust her friends and it was able to reach her family. Her family heard about it from faculty and now they don’t know what to believe and they are trying to protect her, but it makes her feel as though they are ashamed of her (which I doubt they do). This is where gossip is at it’s worse, but it took so many people for it to get this way. I would think if some of these people (especially her friends) had stopped and asked her what happen and asked here if she was okay, maybe things would be different. I wonder if in the future if I hear something about someone and I ask them about it, would I be helping correct the damage done by a lie?
2. I like dogs. It’s a simple thought, but it’s true. I feel comfortable around them, I talk to them as though they could understand, and sometimes I wonder if I can understand them. I hug them and kiss them on top of the head, If I could I’d walk them on a leash wherever I went out. I get along with most animals and find myself loving them as pets too, but with dogs it’s automatic. I often find myself petting and walking over to other people’s dogs, then there’s that awkward moment when I remember there are other people who might not want me interacting with their pet and I try to explain my actions.
3. When I do reach my goal, what will I look like? Will I become overconfident? Would I like to try out more sports? Will some of my friends treat me differently? If so, even if they treat me with more respect, should I feel bad or uneasy that my mind or personality wasn’t enough to get that from them to begin with?

That is just a few, don’t be afraid to comment what you might think. These are just my thought and opinions and I would love to discuss them or whatever thoughts  commonly pop in to your head as well, I know my mind is alway running to fast and thinking too much.

Last night’s dream..

Last night, I was in an apartment which I owned I guess. I decided to out for a walk around the neighborhood, so I went down the stairs of the apartment building which were inside (which is odd because most apartments in Arizona have outdoor stairs, so why I would dream of something I’ve never seen in person) so I think I was somewhere like New York or L.A. As I left the building and turned to walk down the sidewalk I saw that there was an animal shop right next store, it was closed for the night and I could hear puppies whining inside. Some how I got into the shop and I let the two puppies out of their cages, one was bulldog and the other was a pit bull/labrador mix. I was playing and rough housing with them and I kept thinking how great to own one of them and how I would like my kids to grow up around dogs. Then I woke up, it was a good dream but I don’t know if it ment anything or what I should take from it.

Yes, I am immature..

So as a kid I had a  few toy guns, but they would get lost or forgotten. Then I discovered video games and a bit later I was able to shoot real guns. The strange thing is that after all that I went to the store one day and saw the Nerf gun section and decided to grab the Maverick dart pistol and took it apart….. O.O

At that point I was hooked and now I have a small collection and get so much enjoyment out of changing out parts and of course shooting pieces of foam at my friends and pets. That said my parents never miss a chance to make fun of me or roll their eyes at the thought of me playing with toy guns at twenty-one years old. Whatever, it makes me happy!

I may post whatever I find relevent to this subject, we will see. It’s just one of my hobbies.

Spiders, Everywhere I Look!

I was weeding the yard today and back home that would mean pulling out an electric-powered “weed whacker”, then just beat the hell out of the weeds with relative ease. Down here in Mexico you have to do it the old fashion way and use a shovel to cut through there root’s, then run a rake over what’s left of the slumped over strands or stems. It’s more work, but it doesn’t bother me to much (I still have trouble get myself to just get it done and I have a problem with procrastination, but that’s not the point).

So as you slide the shovel through the top layer of dirt you encounter heavy limestone rocks and when they hit it make a loud “clack” sound which you can hear throughout the house and the entire neighborhood I would imagine. Which once you get into a rhythm you don’t even notice it. You soon find out that everything around you notices the racket you make and takes action to preserve themselves, so when I stopped and looked around me there were dozens of spiders clinging to the walls!

This was a small amount compared to when Ed and I started to deal with the weeds and not only were there more spiders, but god knows how many flying insects. Ed was using the shovel while I had the rake, so he got the worst of it when he had to walk through and try not to inhale bugs every step of the way and I have to thank him for that because it made my job much easier today. If I hadn’t been trying to keep up with Ed or wasn’t working, I would have like to look at all the different types of spiders I had never seen before. I not very fond of spiders, but I couldn’t help staring at a few and see how brightly colored or translucent some were.

Coincidentally, last night I watched the movie Eight-Legged Freaks with my mother. I love that movie even though it’s terrible, but it grossed her out not surprisingly and I think it was painful her to watch such a predictable plot. Just felt like sharing that, I don’t think I’m arachnophobic but I realize it takes a stong person to work with spiders.

Republican or Democrat

It’s tough to say when I first had some grasp of politics, but at twenty-one I feel as though it rarely crosses my mind (maybe I have regressed at some point to being blissfully unaware) and whether or not it is a bad thing  that I’m not very involved in government issues  is up to you to decide. I do remember from a young age I always thought of myself as being a democrat, with no real understanding of the word. At that age I was far more concerned about getting up early enough to watch saturday morning cartoons and getting my mother to let me stay up late enough to watch the more mature cartoons that were aired after midnight. As I got older my understanding wasn’t getting much better, but I did catch more of what my parents would say about politicians and I started watching more of saturday night live which would give me these over exaggerated  depictions of the current president (which was George W. Bush at the time). So I would surprise my teachers with jokes and some comments that made sense, but I was only regurgitating what I was hearing.

When I turned seventeen it started to change, when people would talk about politics I would listen more and my very own opinions were starting to take shape. We would discuss current topics in my old history teacher’s, Mr. Bishop (now it’s serious, because I’m using his name. I can hear his voice in my head “I will deny ever knowing you if the FBI ask me why I was mentioned in your blog!”), class where I learned a lot about how are government works and how I felt about topics such as gay marriage, Roe v. Wade, the war in Iraq. It was during this time that I learned that many of the way’s I saw both republicans and democrats when I was younger were very one-sided and narrow (stupid really), I saw republicans as bible thumpers that would shoot there guns’ in the air during victory “YeeeeHaahh!” and because I thought I was democrat, I though they were the voice of reason and that they were the good guy’s. I quickly came to realize that both of these views were wrong and that there was an entire spectrum of political thought, when this dawned on me I couldn’t call myself democrat and I was sure that I wasn’t conservative enough to be republican.

So I was somewhere in between, as over used and often scoffed at as being cowardly or riding the fence, I call myself a liberal even though I think it doesn’t say anything except I’m not red or blue. I often feel ridiculous when the words come out of my mouth and I often pause after I say it so if any one felt like saying “So you don’t know what political party you belong to?” I often put my beliefs into a table to see which side I lean towards more, often times it doesn’t help and it just shows how split down the middle I am!

I believe that gun laws are necessary and that gun control is good, but I also think that we are more than justified to own weapons and that with gun laws we can be sure responsible members of the community have access to said weapons. I believe that abortion is a woman’s right and I don’t personally find it to be murder, I do realize the potential a fetus has but it I also know what changes that mean’s for the mother’s and father’s life (more so the mother). There are other options such as adoption, but it is up to the mother if she is willing to go through all of the physical pain and emotional strain that comes with birth and not everyone can find the perfect family or spare the time from work for maternity leave (not every adoption works out in the end, and they all can’t be like the movie Juno). Gay marriage isn’t even an issue to me, it threatens nothing especially the sanctity of marriage. Honestly I don’t know enough about welfare or unemployment to have an opinion, all I know is that I have never used either.

That’s all the topic I can think of off the top of my head and I still have a lot to learn in order to have a real opinion on some subjects. I can only say that I am grateful for all the people who helped opened eyes during my life, my teachers, my parents, my friends, and helped me form my own opinions and didn’t hate me for feeling differently than them. I hope to debate with them for years to come. You are welcome to tell me what you think (or tell me you think I’m wrong), I always welcome discussion. As for politics, I wish I could just say I don’t want to participate but it is never that easy.

My (future) Gun Collection: M1911

This is a retired British 1911 that saw action during World War One.

My best friend was actually was given a retired 1911, it’s a very sleek gun and it’s the movie badass’ first choice (just watch Captain America). It’s a cool feeling to have shot a gun that you know has probably saved a soldier’s life ones or twice before you were even born, which tells you how sturdy these guns are. Even for being a 45 caliber, the recoil is quite manageable and with the stopping power of a 45 round makes this a formidable gun in any situation. Most gun owners i know have a few 1911′s with plans of getting more in the future. So over all, a classic gun that you can’t go wrong with and a tried and true design with a long history. Very cool!

Help! Tuna!

So I understand that canned tuna is cheap and for the most part healthy, but it is so god awful and dry. Back home I would only used the stuff with tuna helper or mixed with any kind of sauce, but here my step-father makes this tuna and rice stuff and just drains it and throws it in. It’s healthy, but it has the texture of cat food and tastes terrible. It’s no wonder he can get to two percent body fat, if that was all I ate I wouldn’t want to eat either. I was hoping for a recipe or just a way to prepare the meat so is tasty and not so freaking dry, if I can anyone can help me it would be nice to surprise step-dad by making a good batch of his tuna and rice. So any help would be awesome, thank you!

Yeah.. >.>

Our Dream Home, Part 2

Just some more pictures that help pull my dream house together in my head, but I better be able to bring in some money. Many of the homes that I like most are expensive to say the least, but I’ll figure it out and it’s worth it!

My favorite part of this is the windows and how the one at the end looks over the trees.

I really like the wallpaper in this, but I don’t like the way the booth looks. I do think having a booth would be awesome!

The colors are very cheerful and with the patio that close grilling would be a lot simpler. Very cool, this gives me a lot of ideas.

Not sure where to fit it, but I really like the look of the arches and pillars. Reminds me of an old cathedral.